I Now Pronounce You Man and Tree
by LoZfan86
Summary: Gatrie's going through a bit of a love-life crisis, and in his panic, he decides to take Shinon's comment about the tree seriously. What will the rest of the group think about this? One-shot. Definitely a crack fic, so you've been warned. Silver medal winner at Anime Fargo's fanfiction contest.


**A/N: So...I wrote another one-shot, and guess what? I'M DAMN PROUD OF IT! For my first attempt at a crack fic, it ain't too bad! But I suppose I'll let you guys be the judges of that! :P I've been reading through a lot of Radiant Dawn's script recently (Don't judge, I like to do that in my free time. Keeps things fresh in my mind and gives me the chance to see something I might've missed), but anyway, the Kitten Smitten info conversation once again made me laugh out loud from the sheer silliness of it! So I got the idea for this one-shot. :) I swear, I will never not laugh at Gatrie and Shinon's perpetual banter! So I hope you guys enjoy this one! I promise I will update ToR soon! It's just soooooo much easier to crank out these one-shots haha!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem. All characters belong to Nintendo/Intelligent Systems.**

* * *

Gatrie gave himself a once-over in the mirror as he attempted to straighten his collar. Today was a very special day for him. Today was the day he would no longer say _I_ , but _We_. Today was the day he would have to stop chasing every pretty little thing he saw. Today was his wedding day. And what a perfect day it was, he thought. The sun was shining, and all of his closest friends were there to celebrate with him. It didn't get any better than this.

The lass he was marrying was a bit stiff, in all honesty. One of her better qualities was that she was very loyal, and Gatrie knew she would never leave him. She had spent a good majority of her life pining away for a man like him. She had a hard mind and was not so quick to break her resolve. Gatrie thought that the root of her problem was that she oftentimes couldn't get off her high horse. Not to mention she was always barking at people for nothing. But he loved her, all the same.

Deciding that he looked good enough, the handsome knight stepped out of his tent and into the crowd of people gathered for the event. He greeted everyone that looked his way, shaking their hands and thanking them for coming. He didn't seem to realize the concerned and confused looks on their faces. He made his way over to the punch bowl, where a few of the Greil Mercenaries were chatting. He grinned widely as he gave Ike a big bear hug.

"Thanks so much for coming, you guys!" he addressed them when he had finished suffocating the commander. They nodded their quiet and nervous responses, glancing quickly at one another to play off each others facial expressions. Ike was trying desperately to get his breath back, so Soren kept asking him if he was okay and if he needed CPR. Eventually, after a bit more idle chatter, Gatrie declared that he had to leave to meet with Rhys and go over what would happen during the ceremony. Relieved, they all began to spill their guts on the subject.

"Guys, I really don't think Gatrie should go through with this," Ike voiced, taking a small sip of the punch.

"Considering the bride is a cedar, I would have to say that everyone here agrees with you," Soren said, pretending to drink the punch, since he actually thought it was awful and tasted reminiscent of tree sap. Go figure.

"Cedars do have really beautiful wood, though," Oscar put in. "Say, would it be considered first-degree murder if we chopped her up and turned her into a nice armoire?" They all laughed a little at this.

"But seriously guys, we've got to stop this," Boyd said, forcing a straight face on himself.

"I agree. Of all the idiotic things I've seen, this has to be the most preposterous," Soren affirmed.

"So, what are we going to do, then?" Ike asked. They were all silent, as no one had a clue how to break up the marriage that would likely send Gatrie into a spiraling depression.

"Well, Shinon's the best man. Maybe we should go talk to him?" Oscar suggested.

"That's probably as good an idea as any," Boyd agreed.

On their way to find Shinon, the group ran past Mist, who was adorned in a charming little pink dress and had a crown of flowers in her hair. Rolf was standing next to her, dressed very nicely as well.

"Mist, Rolf, have either of you seen Shinon?" Ike asked, trying not to laugh at his sister's outfit.

"I think he's over there by the beverage cart. He said something about wanting to get absolutely wasted before this whole affair was over," Rolf answered dutifully.

"Thanks, Rolf," Ike patted the little archer's head, then he and the rest of his small group were on the move again.

"Wait!" Mist called out, causing everyone to halt. "Why do you need to talk to Shinon?"

"Because we're trying to stop this wedding before Gatrie wakes up tomorrow morning in the sanatorium!" Boyd shouted back.

Mist frowned, looking quite dejected. "Aww, but I was so excited to be the flower girl!"

"MIST!"

* * *

Ike and Company™ found Shinon just where Rolf said he'd be, holding a near empty bottle of whiskey to his lips. His facial expression changed from aloof to downright pissed-off when he saw them approaching. "What the hell do you want?" He spat.

"It's about Gatrie marrying the tree," Soren informed him. "You're not really going to let him do it, are you?"

Shinon quirked an eyebrow. "What does it matter to me how Gatrie lives his life? He's a big boy, he can take care of himself."

"But you're his best friend," Ike urged. "I don't know about you, but I'd never let my best friend make a decision as terrible as this one."

Soren turned towards Ike, his face taking on a redundant expression. "Really? You wouldn't? So, all those times I cried myself to sleep and had all those negative thoughts, including one of which was suicide, were you really there to stop me from making those decisions?"

"Okay but seriously, you're kind of a little bitch, you know that?" Ike accused.

Soren sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"Guys, can we focus please?" Oscar interrupted. "Shinon, we came to you in the hopes that since you have a better influence on Gatrie than the rest of us, you might be able to dissuade him from marrying Celine the Cedar."

"It's like I told ya," Shinon began, his words starting to slur a bit from the whiskey. "Kid can do whatever he wants. Hell, I was the one who suggested it in the first place."

Boyd's face fell. "Wait, so this was your idea all along?"

"Well, I didn't _tell him_ tell him. I kinda just hinted at it. Ya see, he was hitting on that sub-human trash, so I said he'd hit on a tree if it was wearing a skirt." Shinon belched when he finished the story.

"But Celine's not wearing a skirt!" Ike interjected. Soren reluctantly tapped him on the shoulder.

"She is now," he said. Ike turned around to see that Leanne was draping a large, white, billowing tablecloth around the base of the tree.

"Oh for the love of-that's it! I'm putting a stop to this even if it kills me!" Ike marched angrily over to Gatrie and Rhys, who were standing conveniently close enough to him that they could hear what was said, but you know, the fourth wall and stuff. Oh, wait...

"Gatrie, we need to talk," the commander addressed the knight, making sure to keep his stance firm. "Our comrades and I have discussed this at length, and...you can't marry a tree."

Ike could've pinpointed the exact moment that Gatrie's heart shattered. "But, why? Don't I deserve love just like anybody else?"

Soren joined the conversation, and oddly enough, everyone present at the wedding was now tuned-in to what was happening. They were all seated before the makeshift altar, as the ceremony was supposed to be starting soon. "You see, Gatrie, your bride Celine is, well...a tree." He cleared his throat, trying to make what he was saying sound less stupid. "And trees aren't sentient like we are-"

"Small words, Soren. It's Gatrie you're talking to," Ike whispered in his ear.

"And they don't have feelings like people do," Soren corrected himself quickly.

"Do you understand, now?" Oscar asked, putting his hand on Gatrie's shoulder. "Even if you love Celine, she'll never be able to love you back."

"Not to mention, if you don't marry the tree, people won't think you're crazy," Boyd mused aloud.

"Boyd!" Oscar scolded, covering his younger brother's mouth, then quickly putting a sympathetic smile back onto his face.

Rhys seemed to let out a large breath he'd been holding, relieved that somebody finally said something. "Our friends are right, Gatrie. We all care about you very much, and we want you to marry someone who loves you as much as we do."

"Like me?" Astrid said quietly, but nobody heard her, because she's Astrid.

"AMEN!" Tormod stood up and shouted. Muarim pulled him back down onto his seat.

A sleeping Haar woke up at the sudden change in volume. "Huh, what did I miss? Did Gatrie and the tree screw yet?" Jill, who was seated next to him, gasped and slapped his arm.

" _Nesamirihs o orokot uramodot aw ia! Nesameki aw eteruk eteihso o ak ikebus o inan o Gatrie, aw arerak_!" Leanne interjected.

"Umm, what did she just say, Reyson?" Ike asked.

Reyson looked embarrassed on behalf of his sister. "Apparently, she was really looking forward to this."

A few moments of awkward silence passed. The guests anxiously awaited Gatrie's final decision. At last, after what seemed like an eternity, Gatrie spoke.

"You guys are right. I guess I don't know what I was thinking." He made his way over to the skirt-wearing tree and put his hand against the trunk. "Celine, I know we had some good times."

Ike noted that Soren looked like he was about to explode from all the nonsense going on here. He gently put his hand on his friend's back to offer what little consolation he could.

"But my friends are right," Gatrie continued. "In fact, now I'm seeing everything more clearly. You never really cared about me. You just liked me cause I'm big enough to wrap my arms around you." Everyone went silent again, as they let Gatrie play out his little soap opera. Ridiculous as it was, it needed to happen. When Gatrie finished his conversation with Celine, he walked away from the altar. His fists were still clenched and his teeth still ground against each other, but he looked a little bit happier. Holding back tears, he grabbed Ike in another hug. "Thanks for helping me see the truth, Ike. I owe you one."

"Well I'd really love it if you'd let me go," Ike squeaked, and Gatrie immediately complied. "Hey, all our friends are here. It would be stupid to send them all home now, don't you think? Why don't we just celebrate our bonds of friendship?"

"That sounds like a great idea!" Oscar beamed. "And this way, the beautiful cake I slaved over doesn't have to go to waste!"

"Great! Let's get this party started, shall we?" Ike suggested. Everyone got up from their seats and began to dance with one another. For the remainder of the day, they all ate their fill of Oscar's delicious food and had plenty of wine and ale. In fact, a fair few got completely zonked, but that's a story for another time.

Soren, as a perpetual onlooker and introvert, opted to just observe the party from a comfortable distance and not participate whatsoever. "We really went through all this because of a tree?" He thought aloud to himself. "Goddess, maybe we _do_ need wars to keep ourselves occupied."

* * *

 **A/N: Congrats if you got all the tree puns in the beginning. You've earned yourself a gold star. And yes, I did throw in an Ike/Soren joke (if you didn't catch it, it was the CPR thing). I figured since this is a crack fic I have the right to do that! :P In other words, I really wish FF would let me use my ancient language font in my stories. It looks so much better than the backwards Japanese! Anywho, I hope you guys liked the story! Remember to leave me a comment and tell me what you thought! See ya soon, lovelies! :)  
**


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